Thank you everyone who has sent messages and words of condolences. For the notes and cards that have been showing up in my mailbox.
To say I feel lost is an understatement. Fighting alongside Jeremy the last five months against cancer has been hard, but walking with him in his last few hours of his life was the hardest thing I have ever had to experience…giving him permission to leave but not wanting him to go.
I have always said to him throughout this whole illness that when Jesus calls his name, to not worry about me and the kids, I wanted him to listen to Him and GO. Wanting him to find peace wasn’t hard, but just knowing what that meant was extremely hard. But despite all that hard, I was given a gift in his passing. I know when he heard Jesus calling his name and I know when he came back to me in his transition time to tell me goodbye. My sisters were there for that part to confirm that the events really did happen and I didn’t imagine them. Not everybody gets that, but I did and it makes one my darkest hours one of the most beautiful that I have ever experienced. It was horrible and beautiful all at the same time. He wanted to go peacefully when the time came and he did. I am grateful.
Our house feels empty without him though sometimes it feels like he must be at work. My sisters and brother-in-law have been ever present taking care of us, making sure the kids are fed and that I am staying hydrated. We ventured out into the public yesterday and that was a little difficult. I saw a little family at the next table with a boy and two girls that seemed spaced out the same amount as our kids and I realized that was us not too long ago and it made me sad. The kids are doing ok. They come find me often to hug and kiss me or just hang out with me. Having their Aunt Tessie (Teri) staying with us this weekend has been comforting to them. I can often find one of the girls, and Bob, snuggling with her. Aunt Vicki has been busy shopping and making sure that everyone eats and laundry is still done. Uncle Joe is doing all the grunt work that needs to be done. They are taking very good care of me. They have been a godsend.
We will be having Jeremy’s Celebration in two weeks and we will iron out those details on Tuesday. I do know that I want it to be a celebration of who he is. He and I talked about what he would want for a service. We both agreed that the service is a time to honor the person who has gone on but also a time for those left behind to remember all the good things, all the beautiful, precious or funny memories…to keep those alive here on earth. He said that’s what he wanted so that’s what we are going to do. We are going to celebrate all the beautiful things about Jeremy and there are many.