feeling:hope Archives - If You Give A Girl A Homestead

Three Words

When Jeremy was first diagnosed and we shared it publicly with everyone, his mentor from his teenage years reached out to him and shared something that Jeremy held on to throughout all of this. His mentor said that when his wife was going through cancer, she had said she didn’t want her pain to be wasted. This statement resonated with Jeremy and he told me on several occasions that that was what he wanted. He didn’t want his pain wasted. And I think by many of you allowing me to share the pain and hurt but yet the hope and the light in all this allowed for that. I spoke to a dear friend a couple days after Jeremy’s passing and she said that she had been shocked to hear that Jeremy was going home on hospice and that only a few short days later that he was gone. She…

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August 24, 2022

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They Will Be Called Oaks

The last couple of weeks leading up to the two year anniversary of Jeremy's death, I have been flooded with memories of that January and February of 2020. The things that lead up to February 13. I've thought of conversations that Jeremy and I had in the hospital room after we knew he would be going home on hospice. They consisted of talking through a lot of practical things, like what truck I would need since he wasn’t going to be around to take care of our older truck. However, we also talked about unfulfilled dreams, like getting a camper and doing more camping trips with the kids or taking a trip out west with them. And we talked about the table that he wouldn’t build. Ever since we had moved onto the farm, we had discussed him building a three-plank farm table that was long enough to fit many…

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February 21, 2022

Daily Life

Life

Looking back over the last two years, I am able to see the progression in my family’s grief processing. It’s not always clear while you are in it, but looking back you can see distinct shifts. The first year was us trying to breathe. Trying to work through not only the grief of losing Jeremy, but also the trauma that we experienced. During that year, I learned how to recognize and differentiate between the two. There were times that my brain, randomly would release a trauma based memory and I would be side swiped by it. It would undo me. I realized how much my brain had taken in and had stuffed in order to keep going. Unfortunately, after his death and the immediate chaos that seemed to follow due to the pandemic, resources that would have been available, especially to my kids, were not. So we limped along, doing…

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February 3, 2022

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Ocean Waves

This week, I stole away to the NC shores to try to take some time to regroup and get my squirrels lined up and behaving. What was I thinking? It’s was going to take a lot longer than two days to do that. I think I was only able to catch one. The first day was rainy, so I couldn’t get out on the beach, but yesterday was sunny and in the sixties. So after spending most of the day on one project, I got outside as the sun was starting to go down to walk the shoreline that was calling to me. I was amazed at all the shells and sea rocks that covered the sand as I walked along. I reached down and picked up a smooth white rock and turned it over in my hand. It felt soothing, solid, and strong. And I wondered how long it…

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March 5, 2021

Jeremy's Cancer Journey

Hope

I was talking to my sister a couple weeks back and she made reference to her cancer five years ago. She said that hers really hadn't been that bad especially compared to Jeremy's. I stopped her and told her that all cancer is bad and shouldn't be minimalized. She agreed but then said that all cancer is bad but Jeremy's has been cruel. I had to agree with her. His has been very cruel. It hit hard and fast and has been relentless and destructive. We knew from the very beginning that he was facing a formidable opponent. We are continually met with shock and dismay from people ( mostly medical) when they find out that Jeremy was just diagnosed in September. The destruction of the type of cancer he has is shocking. But despite what it has been doing to him, Jeremy has fought hard... Fought hard to gain…

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February 18, 2020

Dogs / Jeremy's Cancer Journey / The Animals

Penny

Many of you know, the day Jeremy came home from the hospital, I discovered Penny our Great Pyrenees had an infection and glaucoma that had left her blind. I was overwhelmed and questioned God as to why He allowed that to happen...right then. Thankfully my dear friends jumped in and took care of her round the clock medicine schedule along with the numerous follow up appointments. The infection and inflammation improved, but she remained blind. We started making accommodations to caring for a blind pet. I have been holding off on saying anything because I wanted to have Penny checked by the vet before I did. Sunday, she was still walking into chairs and doors that were left slightly closed/opened but by Monday morning, I noticed she was tracking me. By the end of the day, I was convinced she could see. There was no doubt in my mind she…

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October 24, 2019