There hasn’t been much change with Jeremy. They are still giving him a wide spectrum of strong antibiotics to try to kill whatever infection is going on. Hopefully, tonight he will get some uninterrupted sleep.
I wanted to share something that’s been on my heart for the last couple days but very much so today.
I’ve shared how I felt like God gave my heart the word Trust before Jeremy was diagnosed. But after he was diagnosed, I felt He gave me the word Watch also. I wanted to add words to that word…like, “Watch what I can do,” or “Watch how l will heal him.” But I felt a catch in my spirit. No. It was only one word… Watch. There was no promise of healing in that Watch. But there was a promise. I just didn’t know what that promise was. I knew what I wanted it to be. I’ve gone back to that word many times, remembering that I needed to not only Trust and but also Watch. It wasn’t until today that I realized what Watch meant and the promise it gave. I haven’t been watching for Him to show up in this, because I believe God is ever present and is already here, but rather I have found myself watching for Him to showme He is present, show me light in the darkness. After Jeremy’s surgery the other day, I returned to his room and cried, well sobbed really, and quite literally begged God to give me the eyes to keep seeing the light in all this because I was really, really struggling. I’ve had several people tell me they couldn’t do what I’m doing when they see what the cancer has taken… that I am stronger than they think they are. But I am not. I am so…incredibly… weak. But here’s the thing, the strength people see, it’s not me. In my weakness, He is strong. This experience is bringing life to a verse that I have read and known my whole life. When I am weak, I find His strength in the morning sunrises, in the quiet falling snow. When I am weak, I find His strength in knowing He has walked dear ones through this before and He has seen them through. When I am weak, I find His strength in the medical people who are caring for Jeremy, the ones who keep showing up at his bedside to care for, love on, and some even pray for him… even on their day off. When I am weak, I find His strength in not just family, but friends and teachers that keep showing up, who love and care for our kids or take care of things we need in order for my family to care for our kids… so I can be with Jeremy. When I am weak, I find His strength in laughter that breathes life in the moment, even if it seems inappropriate at times. When I am weak, I find His strength in being able to be open and real with you all about all this. In my weakness, I am understanding 2 Corinthians 12:9 with my heart. His strength is perfect and all I need. He gives it when I need it. I just need to watch for it.
