Dee Archives - If You Give A Girl A Homestead

Three Words

When Jeremy was first diagnosed and we shared it publicly with everyone, his mentor from his teenage years reached out to him and shared something that Jeremy held on to throughout all of this. His mentor said that when his wife was going through cancer, she had said she didn’t want her pain to be wasted. This statement resonated with Jeremy and he told me on several occasions that that was what he wanted. He didn’t want his pain wasted. And I think by many of you allowing me to share the pain and hurt but yet the hope and the light in all this allowed for that. I spoke to a dear friend a couple days after Jeremy’s passing and she said that she had been shocked to hear that Jeremy was going home on hospice and that only a few short days later that he was gone. She…

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August 24, 2022

Uncategorized

They Will Be Called Oaks

The last couple of weeks leading up to the two year anniversary of Jeremy's death, I have been flooded with memories of that January and February of 2020. The things that lead up to February 13. I've thought of conversations that Jeremy and I had in the hospital room after we knew he would be going home on hospice. They consisted of talking through a lot of practical things, like what truck I would need since he wasn’t going to be around to take care of our older truck. However, we also talked about unfulfilled dreams, like getting a camper and doing more camping trips with the kids or taking a trip out west with them. And we talked about the table that he wouldn’t build. Ever since we had moved onto the farm, we had discussed him building a three-plank farm table that was long enough to fit many…

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February 21, 2022

Daily Life

Life

Looking back over the last two years, I am able to see the progression in my family’s grief processing. It’s not always clear while you are in it, but looking back you can see distinct shifts. The first year was us trying to breathe. Trying to work through not only the grief of losing Jeremy, but also the trauma that we experienced. During that year, I learned how to recognize and differentiate between the two. There were times that my brain, randomly would release a trauma based memory and I would be side swiped by it. It would undo me. I realized how much my brain had taken in and had stuffed in order to keep going. Unfortunately, after his death and the immediate chaos that seemed to follow due to the pandemic, resources that would have been available, especially to my kids, were not. So we limped along, doing…

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February 3, 2022

Uncategorized

Ocean Waves

This week, I stole away to the NC shores to try to take some time to regroup and get my squirrels lined up and behaving. What was I thinking? It’s was going to take a lot longer than two days to do that. I think I was only able to catch one. The first day was rainy, so I couldn’t get out on the beach, but yesterday was sunny and in the sixties. So after spending most of the day on one project, I got outside as the sun was starting to go down to walk the shoreline that was calling to me. I was amazed at all the shells and sea rocks that covered the sand as I walked along. I reached down and picked up a smooth white rock and turned it over in my hand. It felt soothing, solid, and strong. And I wondered how long it…

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March 5, 2021

Travel

What’s in a Picture

I love this picture. And it isn’t because, having just left Colorado where humidity is non-existent, my hair was on point. There is another reason. Or rather, reasons. We were driving from Denver and heading to the Grand Tetons in the northwest of Wyoming. We had just gotten into Wyoming and I realized that I hadn’t put the actual campground’s location into in my GPS. I had just plugged in Grand Tetons. Um…the Grand Tetons are kinda, well, grand. I probably should have been more specific. I realized my mistake and cleared out my directions only to then realize I had made a bigger mistake. My data wasn’t working (I realized later I had hit a button that had turned it off) and there was no cell service. I could not pull up ANY directions. So there we were… in Wyoming, headed in the right direction, but completely without directions.…

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October 14, 2020

About the Homestead / Daily Life

Grief

I get asked a lot how I am doing and I know some of them are not just a polite, “How are you doing?” but rather a “Dee, my heart hurts for you guys and I want to make it all better for you in some way and I don’t know how. And I really want to make sure you are OK” type of how are you doing? I know by social media appearances I am doing OK. I am getting up every morning and I am getting stuff done. I am posting the successes and the happy moments. But I am not posting how that every morning even if I don’t see it coming, I cry. Or every night, I am sure to have some tears well up. And that there are several times during the day that I am hit with it all and I crumble. I see…

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April 16, 2020

About the Homestead / Daily Life / The Animals

Isolation

I have had so many thoughts going through my mind lately as I have been home, trying to stay busy as the world is mentally and physically spinning from the COVID 19 pandemic. I have had a few people contact me and tell me that they are so glad that we had Jeremy’s service when we did, because it was after that weekend that things started ramping up. I have to say though, that I am more grateful that sick Jeremy was spared this. I think about how I no longer would be allowed to take him in to his procedures or be with him through his treatments or even stay with him in the hospital. I know that would have killed me and honestly him too. I know how important it was for him to have me with him. I was his voice, quite literally. I knew how to…

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April 2, 2020

Jeremy's Cancer Journey

Thank You

All the guests have gone home and today I am trying to figure out what life is going to look like now. No worries. I am not demanding a lot of myself and am taking it easy but still realize that there needs to be some normalcy for the sake of my kids. What normal looks like? I have no idea. We are taking this week easy and will get back to school and activities next week but in the meantime I am trying to get my ducks in a row. First, I want to give a big shout out and thank you to my dear friend, Leslie. She came down from NY a few days earlier than everyone else and jumped in and took care of so much for me. She was my list maker and enforcer. She even had on her list, “Keep on task.” I feel like…

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March 3, 2020

Jeremy's Cancer Journey

Watch

There hasn't been much change with Jeremy. They are still giving him a wide spectrum of strong antibiotics to try to kill whatever infection is going on. Hopefully, tonight he will get some uninterrupted sleep. I wanted to share something that's been on my heart for the last couple days but very much so today. I've shared how I felt like God gave my heart the word Trust before Jeremy was diagnosed. But after he was diagnosed, I felt He gave me the word Watch also. I wanted to add words to that word...like, "Watch what I can do," or "Watch how l will heal him." But I felt a catch in my spirit. No. It was only one word... Watch. There was no promise of healing in that Watch. But there was a promise. I just didn't know what that promise was. I knew what I wanted it to be. I've gone back to that word many times, remembering…

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February 9, 2020

Jeremy's Cancer Journey / Uncategorized

Round 2 of Chemo Done

It's a rainy, cool morning and the house is really quiet except for the occasional huff coming from Penny. I figured I would hop on here and give an update. Yesterday, Jeremy went in to have his pump taken down, thus completing round two of chemo. We found out this week that after his fourth treatment, he will need to have another scan done to see if it is working...so most likely after another month. His RBC's were low but they are working on that, but apparently it is a common issue with chemo. The first 24 hours of this treatment weren't bad for Jeremy, but about midday Thursday, it hit him and hit him hard and continued into Friday. The doctor gave him some new meds for the nausea so we shall see how that goes now that he tries to recover. I have such mixed feelings about his…

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October 19, 2019